The quest to know self via un-selfing.
Another continuum… The quest to know self via un-selfing.
- Annie Carpenter
One of the essential themes in the practice of Yoga is to follow the question: “Who am I?” Or, what is it in me that is lasting and 'real'?
There is a path towards this inquiry that is age-old and for some of us it feels compulsory. This path is full of distractions and obstacles, and it is clear that many of us aren't really interested enough to stay the course. Nor is it clear if there is an answer, a truth to be uncovered. Nonetheless, some of us are drawn to this quest even if there is no obvious solution or benefit.
Essential steps: First of all, we need to learn how to pay attention: to place and hold our attention on one chosen thing, like the breath, or balancing on one leg, or a sound, an image, steadying our internal gaze on one thing. And then to hold it there over seconds, minutes, and longer still. As we are able to steady our attention, we begin to observe more acutely, seeing how our behavior affects others, and we choose to follow rules of conduct like non-violence and telling the truth. And we are able to sense what throws us off our path, and how to get back on it evolving discipline and self-study.
It's easy to forget in this stage why we are doing all this! It's easy to get caught in the techniques of practice, and lose sight of the why, the prize. Because verily, in the effort to uncover 'who am I' I build up, define and improve who I am. These “I”s are not the same. One is a 'true” self that is the animating factor in us all, call it soul or spirit if you like. The other is a set of ongoing actions and memories, thoughts and feelings collected over the years. Or as Ram Dass defines the ego, “a habitual sense of muscular strain.”
Often for me the practice becomes an ongoing series of negating: “not this, and not that” – I am not this body, or this pleasure or pain; I am not this feeling or this memory or plan. I am not Annie, wife of Sam and Yoga teacher of Oakland, CA. This never-ending process is what the ancient Yogis called, “neti, neti,” the action of naming all the things that are not real, not lasting.
The things that define me, or you, in the everyday world, are the things that build a sense of self, our ego. Most of these are indeed necessary and ongoing. Yet the true self is not that. We must un-self to uncover true self.
Is it possible? — yes, and you and I have experienced it, if only briefly from time to time! For most of us it's a moment in the beauty or quiet of nature in which we feel “small” and a “tiny part of” something so much greater than ourselves. Maybe you've had a moment of “integration” without needing to grasp on to it in a meditation or breathing practice, where time seemed to pause, or disappear. Or a feeling of connection in a trusted gathering—family, yoga practice, church? Or a walk in the woods…
The beautiful, difficult commitment to knowing the self, is a great deal about un-selfing. Unwinding the stuff that we think we are, and revealing that which we actually are. It is as they say, “a difficult path like a razor's edge,” (Katha Upanishad) but to be on this path is to feel a timeless inter-connectivity with all life, and for me right now a necessary avenue towards hope.
-Annie